9 weeks

Mommy just realized you are in the same outfit alot but Mommy loves it and you are getting so big it will not fit much longer so we are trying to get as much use out of it a possible!

Dear sweet girl,
You are now 9 weeks old and getting so big. You had your 2 month shots yesterday. Man was is rough!! You screamed, Mommy cried and it was very, very sad! You have gotten to be a big girl. Your are 24 inches long (up from 19.5 at birth), 12.3 lbs (up from 7.7 lbs at birth) and your head is 16 inches around! Looks like you got your Mommies brain in the noggin of yours. You were in a pretty bad mood yesterday after your shots. Just grumpy and crying. The Tylenol helped a little but we had a harder time than normal getting you to go to sleep last night. Luckily daddy was able to get you settled down! Yesterday was your Aunt Angela's birthday but she had to work all day long so we are taking her out today for a indian lunch! That is both one of our favorite places to go and you have not been yet!

shots in both legs

This past weekend you went on your first out of town trip. We went to your Gamma and Papa's house to go to Gamma's work picnic. Boy was it HOT! You did really good tho and slept most of the time. You always do really good in the car in your car seat. It puts you right to sleep. Everyone was gushing over you and how good and cute you were.

With Gamma

This past week was another milestone for you. Mommy and Daddy left you with your Grandma and went out to lunch and shopping. This is the first time your Grandma has watched you by herself. She said you did great (you also gave her a big poopy surprise Hehe!) but she did not let you nap as long as Mommy said to (she was to excited to hold you the whole time) and Mommy and Daddy paid for it later that night. You screamed from 6 to bedtime from exhaustion. You have to have naps in order to function.
You are doing so much better on tummy time. Mommy figured out the trick to get you to lift your head good and high, put the dogs in front of you. Just this week you have started noticing the dogs and you watch them whenever they are around. So Mommy decided to make them lay in front of you while you are on tummy time and you love to watch them. It is pretty funny!

Naps are still hit and miss with you. Some times you are great with napping and them other days you will have none of it. Mommy has started taking you out when you will not nap and going shopping and it usually puts you right to sleep.
This week we moved the bed out of your room and Aunt Angela is going to give us her rocking chair to put in your room so Mommy can rock you to sleep. Your Grandma is going to cover an ottoman that Mommy has in a fabric that matches your room and then your room will be complete. We didn't have room for the chair before with the bed in there but now we do. Mommy can't wait because her back is hurting from bouncing you to sleep for every nap and bedtime!
You love spending time with Daddy and you sit quietly for him (you don't usually for mommy)!

Reading the Sunday paper with Daddy

We decided to try out your jumping toy thing and you love it! You were giggling and smiling and laughing. It was a big hit. So that is another thing that has taken over the living room so Mommy can get stuff done when you are awake. Plus it the prime height for you to watch the dogs.

Daddy and I love you so much! You are a joy and a really good baby. You make our lives complete and we love you more than you could imagine!
Love, your Mommy and Daddy

8 weeks ( 2 months)

Holy moly, 8 weeks old! Where did it all go? Well this week we figured out that you really like things that are black and white (so many puns I could put on this I mean how ironic is that?, gotta love it). Anyway anything that is a black and white contrast you love to stare at and talk to and just in general makes you very happy. So that meant a trip to Target to find all toys black and white to keep you entertained. We came out with 2 new toys that you immediately cooed and gurgled at. Success!
You also decided that you did not want to take a nap this week. No nap + tired Addison = VERY cranky hard to put to sleep baby. So lots of late nights for mommy! Today we are trying some new methods for putting you down for a nap. Who knew that babies need so much freaking sleep!!!! Apparently not me, but now I am more educated. Up no more than 2 hours before you HAVE to have a nap. Shopping puts you to sleep (more reasons to visit Target!) but otherwise it is swaddling and rocking and noise machine. You are successfully napping as I type this! WOOHOO! 2 naps so far today.

You had to go to the doctor today. You have been having some spit up/ coughing/ gagging/ congestion and when I googled all of those things (gotta love Dr. Google) up popped acid reflux. So now you are on Zantac. Hopefully that will fix the issue.
You still don't really like your swing or your bouncy seat. Not really sure what that is all about. Hopefully you will start to enjoy them more really soon so mommy can get a little more done.

You also decided that you did not like the pacis mommy was using so today we went and got every different kind I could find and we are going to try all of them and see which one you like best. Hopefully one of them will stick!
It is really hard on mommy when daddy is working. He works 12 hour shifts 4 days in a row with an hour commute so basically he is home eating or sleeping or he is working so mommy feels like a single parent. It is really nice to have those 4 days off with him but it is still really hard. I have to do everything for you those days and that can get overwhelming. Daddy works so hard to provide for us and loves us so much I know it is really hard on him to be away for so much and not to be involve in your care for 4 days straight. Hopefully once mommy gets a better understanding of all of your needs and likes it will get easier. Now just to get the nap thing under control.......
You LOVE your play mat! I can not emphasize enough how much you love that thing!!! You giggle and smile and laugh and coo and gurgle at all the toys. I added a new toy the other day and I thought you were going to explode from happiness. Now if you wer only as happy to see say me or your daddy!

Overall you are a happy, good baby! I am so glad we have not had to deal with some of the issues I know other moms have to deal with.
You are also a beautiful baby!! Everyone says so. Even strangers comment on how cute you are. You are 12 lbs today! You are growing like i weed. I guess compensating for the lack of growth the first month when mommy was starving you (I was not intentionally starving my child we had some breastfeeding issues).
Happy 8 weeks little girl!!!!!
Mommy and Daddy

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's day to my wonderful husband! You are such a great father to our little girl and we both love you so much!

7 weeks

My little one you are 7 weeks old now! Man it seems like you have been around for such a long time and not long at all all at the same time. You have gotten so much bigger! You are now in size 1 diapers, it took long enough for that one. You now HATE getting out of the bath! You scream as soon as the water is out of your bathtub and you continue to scream until I have you lotioned up, diapered and dressed. I have tried everything from holding you for a long time in your towel to see if that helps, to rushing as soon as we get you out. Nothing helps so mommy just hurries and gets it all done.
You have started smiling up a storm. At first just at mommy and daddy but now you like to smile at all kinds of things and even at some other people.

You are having a bit of a set back as far as sleeping at night is concerned. It takes a little longer to get you to sleep at night and once you get up for your first feeding you turn into the loudest baby known to man. You SEEM to be asleep but you make the most horrible loud noises the whole time until your next feeding. It keeps mommy and daddy awake. We even moved you to your pack n play in our room which is on the other side of the room and that doesn't seem to help. Plus you just don't sleep as long as you did a week or so ago. We are going to try and increase your food little to see if that helps.

On that note you eat a TON! Mommy can hardly keep up with the pumping so we had to get a prescription for a medicine to increase mommy breast milk to keep up with you. Hopefully it will help me get more pumped milk for you.
You slept for the first time in your crib the other morning. You were up a lot the night before and daddy took you for a little while so mommy could get a little more rest and when I got up daddy had put you in your crib. I know there are a TON of things in the crib but daddy was watching her on the monitor and the crib has now been cleaned out!

We have switched to the pajamas that don't have feet. Your were pulling your feet in the pjs and I was concerned the you would hurt yourself. Plus since we swaddle you at night mommy didn't want you to get to hot.
You have started to sleep less during the day and are starting to get annoyed with your swing. Hopefully this does not last. You prefer for someone to be holding you all the time.
You went to your first birthday party this weekend. Your friend Henry turned one.
Mommy got you a Baby Bjorn and you really like being in it. As long as it is not too hot!
You still love the car and riding in your car seat. I hope this is a permanent thing!

Mommy will have plenty of time with you now since she was laid off and has no job and no prospects for the near future!!!
Mommy and Daddy both love you so much!!!!!!

no job

So I just got a call from our HR person at my job. I work in research at a large hospital/university or I should say I did work there since the call was to inform me that they no longer had any money and therefore once my 12 weeks of maternity leave are up they had no money to pay me.
I HAVE NO JOB.......

5 and 6 weeks.

- Addison has become much more focused and can follow people with her eyes. She has also started turning to look at sounds or at someone talking. She also likes the TV. Not good I know but she watches it from her swing.

- Addison is finally growing out of her newborn diapers. We are moving to the 1s. She has been having a bunch of poopie blowouts so it is definitely time.
- She rolled over from belly to back a few days ago. She was having tummy time and all of a sudden she just rolled right over. My best friend was in town and got to witness it. Hopefully she will do it again soon so daddy can see.

- She is becoming much more vocal. She talks to her toys on her play mat and she tries to have a conversation with you when you are holding her.
- She is now on a formula/breast milk mixture. (see previous long drawn out post for the painful explanation of this)
- She still fits into her newborn onsies but the newborn clothes with feet don't fit anymore. She is a long skinny child.
- She finally got to meet her godmother this weekend. My best friend finally made it down from PA to visit.
- Everyone kept saying she was going to lose all the hair she had at birth but she is actually getting more and the hair she had is longer and curlier.
- We have been going on walks every night (as long as it is not raining) and she loves them. (treatment for mommy PPD)
- She has been sleeping pretty good at night now for 3 or 4 weeks. She goes to bed between 10 and 11 and wakes up sometime between 2 and 3 and then again around 6 or 7 to eat.
- We are still battling the thrush. She is on a different med to try and get rid of it and hopefully this will work.
- We put her in the Bumbo for the first time the other day. She seemed to like it and was looking around for a good 10 minutes.

breastfeeding and PPD

Man where do I even start this post. The last two weeks have been very difficult. Addison is doing great but I can't say the same for mom. First and foremost breastfeeding has been a disaster. ALL I wanted was to be able to breastfeed my child. I know that breast is best. I read all kinds of books and and articles about breastfeeding before I had Addison. I was prepared for the pain and for the learning curve. I however was not prepared for what actually happened. First her latch was really bad. She was tearing up my nipples they were cracked and bleeding and it was painful the WHOLE time she fed every time she fed. We tried to get help from the lactation consultants but it didn't really help. Then we both got thrush. If you have never experienced the pain that comes with this you are very lucky. It feels like shards of glass going through my breasts when she would eat, and then afterwards for 15 or 20 minutes. Not to mention it took her almost an hour at each feeding to eat. And most of the time she would come off and still act hungry. She would fall asleep while eating and then when I took her off she would scream bloody murder. So we got meds for the thrush. She is still struggling with hers after 2 rounds of meds. Mine is still on the nipples but not deep in my breast tissue anymore. That cleared up after about 10 days. I am pretty sure we both had thrush for weeks before I figured out what it was. I just thought the pain was normal. I hate to even say this but it got to the point that the thought of feeding my child made me want to run away screaming. I KNEW it was best but I started to feel resentful and angry every time I went to feed her. It is such a horrible feeling to feel that way about your child. I felt SO incredibly guilt about feeling that way. I was calling my mom every single day crying. Then I got a infection on the side of my breast that had to be lanced. That was the straw that broke my back. I was in so much pain and I was not enjoying my child. It was horrible. Finally one morning I was home alone with her and I was in pain and I had fed her for over and hour and she was still screaming I had called my mom crying and I finally decided I couldn't do it anymore and I pulled out a bottle of the formula they shove on you at the hospital and with tears streaming down my face I gave it to my daughter. I couldn't even see her eating it because of the tears. She ate it all and went right to sleep, and then I had a breakdown. I could not feed my daughter. I could not satisfy her. I was a failure. My sister called and talked to me for a long time. The pain of that moment was so intense. The failure. The guilt.
So now we are supplementing her with formula. She had a doctors appointment a few days later and when the doctor asked me how we were I started crying. She immediately had me fill out a questionnaire and sent me straight to my doctor concerned about how I had answered the questions. PPD. A very mild case of it, but PPD none the less. Mostly from the stress of breastfeeding and the guilt that I was putting on myself about it. I am not on meds right now but discussed trying some changes and if I don't feel better or if I get worse then I am going on something to help. I am now only pumping and giving her a mixture of formula and breast milk. I hate to say it but she is a happier baby. It still hurts so bad to know that I was not enough for her. Now that I am not in pain every time I have to feed her things are a lot better. I am getting out of the house and doing things and I actually left her with my sister and went to the movies when my friend was in town this weekend. We saw Sex In The City 2. Very appropriate since in the movie Charlotte has a breakdown in her pantry over how difficult having children is. Of course I was crying watching it.
Not to mention Addison was not gaining weight like she should. At 5 weeks she was only 8 lbs. She was 7.7lbs at birth and her doctor has been concerned about her weight. We were at the doctors every week to get her weight checked. Stress on top of stress. I am hoping that all of the changes we are doing will help. Do I still feel guilty, yes. Do I still feel like a failure, yes. There are only a few IRL people that I have told this too. It is just so painful and I feel like people will not understand. I was even lying to myself thinking things were getting better with the breastfeeding when clearly they were not. Now we are working on not feeling so guilty about every little thing and being okay with having to feed my child formula. We are walking every day and trying to find joy in the little things and not getting overwhelmed by everything. Slowly we are getting there. Baby steps.