This is our American bulldog "Bossman" and our French Bulldog "Stinky". She was a puppy in this picture. Her actual name is "Emaliyne" but she smelled so horrible when we got her and she is such a stinker (ie she gets away with anything since she is so stinkin cute) that the nickname just stuck.
My DH's English Coonhound "Ruger". He is the newest addition to the family. Of course he loves me more than anyone.......and why shouldn't he right?
Our Parson(Jack) Russell Terrier "Izzy" and "Stinky" again. "Izzy" is the BOSS of the house even though she weights in at a hefty 11 lbs. I think the cats are even bigger than she is, but size does not matter in our house...... well at least not with the dogs :)
This is our American Bulldog "Showtime". As you can tell from the name she was intended to be a show dog but she was not very good at it..... to say the least. She is how ever very good at chewing things up, stomping on your toes with her nails, jumping on you, licking people to death you know that sorta thing. She is a pleaser. I just think she lacks the brain cells to understand fully what that includes, but she tries very hard.
This is my lovely but bratty Andalusian "Oberon" or "Obie" for short. This picture was taken right after I bought him and I am sure he is saying "Hehe you thought you were actually going to be able to ride me? Boy are you delusional". Yep he is a very expensive yard ornament. He has thrown me a few times and popped my hip out of joint so needless to say I just ride one of the other horses at the barn. I love him anyway..... most of the time.
Our two cats "Phoenix" and "Smokey". Not much to say about, them they are cats afterall.......
Hope you enjoyed the family as much as I do!!!!
This was the bathroom before I started, note the super ugly pink and grey/green tiles. Hello 1970s!
This is after I painted the tiles (took me 2 weekends!) and painted the walls. Let me tell you there is nothing like paint fumes to make you forget about everything... hello dead brain cells!
This is the new bathroom with all the new matching accessories and the new flooring. Peel and stick tiles, all by myself. Hello sore back!
This is the bedroom. It was originally a dark purple color. This is the color I was going to paint it for the baby room (that is what it really wanted to be anyway, it told me while I was painting it). Hopefully it will get to live up to its full potential soon!
These pictures were ones I picked out for the nursery when we were expecting. I love them and will use them once we get pregnant again!
Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! Now off to rub myself down with Icy Hot!
Then today I had a meeting with one of my bosses. She has been out of maternity leave (of course) and she did not know about my pregnancy/miscarriage. I was hoping not to have to tell her but when she said “I have been gone for 6 weeks, why haven’t you gotten more work done?” Well I had to cover my butt so I told her. Turns out she had a miscarriage at 12 weeks a few years back so she understood. Of course I couldn’t keep from crying when I told her. I really hate crying in front of people even though I have had a good amount of practice at it in the last few weeks! It was extra painful for me since she was just gushing about how cute her new son was.
I have always (well at least since we started trying to have a baby) used temping to track my ovulation. However this month I really am thinking about throwing my thermometer out of my bathroom window or flushing it down the toilet. I know that everyone’s body is different, but my temps since my miscarriage have been crazy and are driving me crazy! Unfortunately the thought of actually not taking my temp every morning is terrifying to me since I am a super control freak and not having that would, I fear, make me feel completely out of control. So I guess I will suffer in silence until the day Aunt Flo shows up. Then hopefully my temps will begin to regulate and I will be able to once again spend all my free time over analyzing my charts to see if perhaps this change in temp or this jump means that I am indeed pregnant again.
Day in the life of crazy:
Wake up: wow you didn’t get up at all to pee last night like you did when you were pregnant….
Breakfast: isn’t it nice to be able to drink coffee again….
Driving to work: A few months from now we would have had a nice long maternity leave……..
Lunch time: Isn’t it great to not throw up what you eat anymore……
Leaving work: Look at all the babies, they are so cute……. (did I mention I work a few floors above the children’s ward in our hospital)
At home: I just love the color you are repainting the baby uh I mean the “guest” room…….
It seems everywhere I turn it is being throw in my face. I know that when you want something it seems to be everywhere, but could I just catch a break now and then. I mean you turn on the tv an it seems the new thing in advertisement is to use pregnant women. I go to a store and all I see all around me is baby bumps. Every time I get on Facebook another of my ‘facebook friends” is announcing the good news. Even my email keeps sending me reminders about how far along I should be. Even though I sent them all the “discontinue my emails” email there is a new one every time I open my account. How do I make the madness stop? Get pregnant you say, well we are working on that but it is not as easy as they told you in sex ed class I can promise you that.
I think I may suffer from some slight form of masochism. It seems I like to spend (or waste) lots of time Goggling things to remind me about my miscarriage. My newest thing is looking up poems, songs, and blogs about losing a baby. If you are thinking about doing this here is a little advice; DON’T. Not unless you want to spend your entire day crying and reliving the “ripping my heart out of my chest and shoving it in a pot of boiling acid” pain from your own miscarriage. Sounds fun right? Well here is a little sample from the poems I found. Yep I saved them, see I can’t stop myself. Grab the tissues………
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away
Today I saw you crying
I sent you lots of love
I hope that you can feel it
I'm here just up above
Today I jumped from cloud to cloud
And flew across the sky
And God told me all about you
And why you often cry
He told me that you were special
And your love for me is so deep
He told me that one day I'll meet you here
And in your arms I'll leap
I met a nice man the other day
He sat me on his knee
He told me that he knew you, Mom
And do you know what else he told me?
He told me all about you
About your pretty face
About your kindness, love and joy
About your sweet grace
I told that man I knew you
Cause we were once so close
I grew in your belly, Mommy
Just beneath your clothes
I told that man you talked to me
And prayed for me each night
And how I felt your love right there
And how you would hug me tight
No, you're not a stranger, Mom
Although we're now apart
It's really not that far, Mommy
I know I'm in your heart
I can't wait to see you, Mommy
God says you'll be here soon
Until then, I'm with you
And I love you to the moon
Oh how true this quote is for me.
I love coffee, I mean the word love does not even do justice to the way I feel about coffee. Especially Starbucks coffee, I swear I think they put something in it, maybe crack? So before we started TTC I decided I was going to try and be “perfect” so that we had less of a chance of something going wrong once we got pregnant (we all know how that turned out).
So after reading the “Bible” of the fertility world “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Wechler, MPH, I immediately put down my crack pipe and decided that I was going to give up caffeine, alcohol, processed foods, Advil, and so on and so forth. Well giving up coffee was a challenge, and that is putting in mildly. I felt like an addict locked in a padded room only my room wasn’t padded. It sucked and I am sure that it sucked more for those around me. I had horrible headaches, I was exhausted, I was b*%#@y, I couldn’t sleep, I had trouble
concentrating at work, you get the picture. This lasted about a week and a half or so.
"Oh, that was not too long." you are thinking.
Well you try doing it. It seemed like f o r e v e r! So I did great on this plan to be “perfect” until I found out about the miscarriage. Okay maybe not right when I found out, since as you know I was not really functioning at that point. However a few days later, after my brain pulled itself from the deep dark place that it went for protection, one of my first thoughts was “Well at least I get have coffee again”. I know, a strange thing to think after everything, but you would have to understand just how much I love coffee.
So I have decided that I am not going to try and be “perfect” this time. I am not giving up coffee…. *Gasp* ….. Judge me all you want, but maybe not being “perfect” will make Judas decided not to betray me this time around. So I have my fingers crossed, and a warm, wonderful paper cup of coffee to my lips as a type this. From Starbucks of course….
She also told me the day of my D&C that they were going to send the "product of conception"(such a great medical term :( ) off to the lab for "testing". Great! Testing so maybe they can tell me what was wrong. Nope. "Testing" doesn't actually mean "testing" it means we are going to come back and tell you that what we sent off is............ a baby! WOW really, I thought that thing that was growing inside of me that had a heartbeat and everything was a tumor or something. Thanks for clearing that up. Whew eased my mind. SO, that was really annoying. However, the good news is that we can start trying again now! Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us.
On another note it seems that I am forging ahead through the Stages Of Grief (see mom I am using that good ole Psychology degree for something). I however seem to be stuck in the ANGER stage. Let me tell you this stage sucks a lot! I really don’t enjoy being angry all the time. It is like, I know that I shouldn’t be angry at every pregnant women I see or jealous of women with babies but I can’t stop myself. The horrible “green/red eyed monster” just takes over my brain. That is not to say that I am angry at my good friends that have just had babies, mainly it is a perfect strangers, which of course makes it perfectly okay… Right? Oh well, I am off to be angry at some more unknowing strangers. Wonder what the next fun stage is going to be……
Second it also showed me who my true friends are. I know that everyone says that when you are going though a crisis you learn a lot about people and this is so true! People that I have not communicated with in years sent me words of encouragement and prayers. Unfortunately though, some of the people that I thought were my friends didn’t. (and if you are reading this it probably doesn't apply to you since you cared enough to follow my blog) I know that some people just don’t know what to say to someone when they are going through something traumatic. I know that I have been guilty of this very same behavior. It is very hard to know the right thing to say to someone when they are suffering and you have never been there. I am so truly sorry to any of my friends who I have done this too. I now know how much comfort even the words I am sorry are to someone who is suffering. So to all those friends and/or family:
I AM SORRY. For forgetting you, or ignoring you in your time of need. Please forgive me!
Another thing I have learned is that it is really very helpful to talk about things (and write about them). It may make me cry and feel like I am dying on the inside but every time I do it makes it a little easier the next time.
I also realized that some people may say things that seem insensitive, and okay I will say it, even really stupid. However, they really do have to best intentions and it is best just to forget it and only remember that they were trying to say “I am really sorry for you loss” they just don’t know the “right” way to express it. For instance it is probably not a good idea to say the following things to someone who has just had a miscarriage:
“Don’t worry you can have another one” ~ Hey I don’t want another one I want the one I had…. and lost
“It was for the best” ~ Really?! who’s best?
“At least you know you can get pregnant that’s good” ~ Oh good I can get pregnant but can I stay pregnant?
“I guess there was something wrong” ~ with me of course
“You should just forget about it and move on” See STUPID!
“At least you weren’t further along” ~ That is suppose to make it better?
I am a Believer, but I have to say right after everything happened of course I blamed God for doing this to me. I think that is a normal reaction for anyone who has lost someone. So for me even the comments like “It was God’s will” or God needed your baby as an angel” or “God knew something was wrong so it is better this way” were not very helpful and actually made me blame him more. I mean he can move mountains and heal people. So if that is the case why couldn’t he give me a healthy baby, was I being punished for something I did. I am still struggling with this, and I think that as a Believer it is almost harder not to blame Him when we know the kinds of miracles he can do.
The thing that helped me the most was someone just being there to let me cry to them and talk to them about how I was feeling. It also really helped to hear from people who have gone through a miscarriage. Just hearing “I am sorry for your loss” or even “I can’t imagine what you are going through but I am here for you if you need me”.
So THANK YOU to all my friends who were there for me. I love you all.
Since the worst 2 days of my life thus far are behind me every day seems to be getting a little easier to deal with. That is until something is thrown in my face to remind me that I am no longer pregnant. Like going to the mall and seeing all the pregnant women, or looking out my front window and seeing my neighbor with her 5 month old, or walking around at work (I work 4 floors above a Children’s Hospital, yeah I know) or in general just leaving the confines of my house where there are no pregnant women allowed. Of course, another way I like to torture myself is to go on the old chat rooms just to “see how everyone is doing” (yeah I know I said I wasn’t going to go on them but I can’t stop myself). Bad, Really Bad Idea. Could there be anything worse than reading about people who were exactly as far along as you were and they are luck enough to still have their babies. For some reason God or “Judas the Betrayer” decided that they should be allowed to keep their babies while I get to suffer through a miscarriage. So I really have to stop going on those. I have my D&C follow up appointment with my doc on Wed. morning. I am a little nervous about this, I am wondering how long she is going to say that we should wait to start trying again. Knowing myself the longer that I have to wait the worse it will be for me. Also along those lines the longer it takes me to get pregnant again the more stressed I will get. I am trying to deal with these feeling now but I’ll let you know when it actually turns from trying to succeeding. So here are some of the things I am nervous about:
- That it was somehow my fault that I miscarried. Not something I did, but something that is wrong with my body, maybe a clotting disorder or low progesterone (thanks chat room searching). I am hoping I can convince my doc to run some tests even though this is my first miscarriage, we will see.
- That she will tell me we should wait 3 months to try again. Please Lord let her say just 1 month, please.
- That it will take my body forever to get back to normal, I think this one may actually be valid since I was on BCP for so long, and since my D&C (almost 2 weeks ago) good old “Judas the Betrayer” has decided to remind me everyday that I am not pregnant in the wonderful form of AF. Thanks a lot.
- That once we do start trying again it will take us a while. I know that if I am not pregnant by the time my due date from the miscarriage rolls around someone will have to lock me up and drug me. Plus all the websites say that right after a miscarriage you are more fertile than normal, so if it takes to long I know I will feel like a failure.
- Actually getting pregnant, not being pregnant, but the thoughts that will start running through my mind once I do see those two blessed lines. I think there is probably no fear greater for anyone that has suffered a miscarriage than the fear of having to go through it again.
I guess all I can do is pray that God will give me peace about everything that has happened. When we first started trying I was in church one Sunday and I decided to give over to God the entire process of getting pregnant and starting a family. I know deep in my heart that he let this happen this way for a reason, but that said it is REALLY hard to trust Him at the moment. I mean why would he want me to suffer this way? It just all seems so unfair.
Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
and 2. that i was so close to my previously mentioned life schedule. As I said I was super excited but also really nervous again I just attributed that to the aforementioned chat rooms where women, who in real life I am sure are completely normal, but when they enter the chat room realm with hundreds of other TTC women turn into a completely different being (i know i was defiantly one of those ladies). Every little thing turns into "could this (fill in your symptom) be a sign of pregnancy, miscarriage, life altering fertility problem. Just for fun you should go to one of these chat rooms if you have never been there and just read some of the titles, you don't even have to read the posts and you will see what I mean. I am in no way bashing these rooms or these women, heck I am one of them, but they do tend to make you a little bit crazy! We had our first ultrasound on June 15th and I was really nervous but everything went great we saw our little bean, strong heartbeat and all. So I then proceeded to tell EVERYONE since as all the books/websites tell you once you see that heartbeat you have a 2-3% chance of a miscarriage. Plus my doc said it was fine since all looked well. Then the next Sat. evening I had a little bit of spotting, which I also had the Sat. before my appt, I was concerned but this had happened before and everything was fine. Still I called the doc and they had me come in the following tue, just as a precaution. My DH came with me thank the LORD! The doc talked to us and then she dimmed the lights and started the vaginal ultrasound (let me tell you how fun that is). Right away I knew something was wrong, her face, she couldn't look at us, and she just keep repositioning the wand and taking measurements and I didn't see any flicker or movement. I was on SHOCK. Pure and simple I couldn't look away, or think, or feel, i just laid there. Even after she left the room which i really don't remember. My DH had to dress me I couldn't see through my tears. It was the most awful thing I have ever experienced and I don't think anyone could understand unless they have lost a child. Okay well now that I am crying yet again I think I am going to have to pick up this story next time.