Family of the 4 legged variety

Okay so I know I have been slack about posting on here, but to tell you the truth not much has been happening in my life. Just normal everyday boring stuff. Just waiting on my first post D&C period to come so we can get back on the TTC train choo choo..... So to alleviate some of the boredom I know you must be experiencing without my wonderful and witty blog I am bringing you...... my four legged family in pictures... ENJOY!

This is our American bulldog "Bossman" and our French Bulldog "Stinky". She was a puppy in this picture. Her actual name is "Emaliyne" but she smelled so horrible when we got her and she is such a stinker (ie she gets away with anything since she is so stinkin cute) that the nickname just stuck.

My DH's English Coonhound "Ruger". He is the newest addition to the family. Of course he loves me more than anyone.......and why shouldn't he right?

Our Parson(Jack) Russell Terrier "Izzy" and "Stinky" again. "Izzy" is the BOSS of the house even though she weights in at a hefty 11 lbs. I think the cats are even bigger than she is, but size does not matter in our house...... well at least not with the dogs :)

This is our American Bulldog "Showtime". As you can tell from the name she was intended to be a show dog but she was not very good at it..... to say the least. She is how ever very good at chewing things up, stomping on your toes with her nails, jumping on you, licking people to death you know that sorta thing. She is a pleaser. I just think she lacks the brain cells to understand fully what that includes, but she tries very hard.

This is my lovely but bratty Andalusian "Oberon" or "Obie" for short. This picture was taken right after I bought him and I am sure he is saying "Hehe you thought you were actually going to be able to ride me? Boy are you delusional". Yep he is a very expensive yard ornament. He has thrown me a few times and popped my hip out of joint so needless to say I just ride one of the other horses at the barn. I love him anyway..... most of the time.

Our two cats "Phoenix" and "Smokey". Not much to say about, them they are cats afterall.......
Hope you enjoyed the family as much as I do!!!!

Old is new again.

Okay so I can barely move today. Nope not because I worked out, went to the gym, went for a run or any of those normal reasons one would be sore. It is because I redecorated my house. Well just a bathroom and a bedroom to be exact. Not only did I paint, I painted the tiles, the walls and I installed new floors (in the bathroom). Yep me all by myself, well with a little help from the dogs and cats. My DH was working and I needed something to keep my self busy. Time for the big reveal. I am pretty happy with the way it turned out.

This was the bathroom before I started, note the super ugly pink and grey/green tiles. Hello 1970s!

This is after I painted the tiles (took me 2 weekends!) and painted the walls. Let me tell you there is nothing like paint fumes to make you forget about everything... hello dead brain cells!

This is the new bathroom with all the new matching accessories and the new flooring. Peel and stick tiles, all by myself. Hello sore back!

This is the bedroom. It was originally a dark purple color. This is the color I was going to paint it for the baby room (that is what it really wanted to be anyway, it told me while I was painting it). Hopefully it will get to live up to its full potential soon!

These pictures were ones I picked out for the nursery when we were expecting. I love them and will use them once we get pregnant again!

Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! Now off to rub myself down with Icy Hot!

The good with the bad

So I have found the remedy to all of my sadness and it comes wrapped up in a small little package. A baby. Yep that right the secret to happiness is a small, helpless, wiggling, screaming, crying ball of infant. Unfortunately this tonic is also my poison, or at least when I am not around said baby it is like poison. I had a wonderful night with some of my good friends who happened to have recently birthed said baby, well one of them did at least. I have to say that the whole time I was around this little bundle of joy I did not even think about how sad I was about my miscarriage. How can you think of anything sad when you have the cutest little time consumer right at your fingertips? I have not had the pleasure of being around a large amount of infants. My family is not very big and they do not live close enough to visit regularly. Plus I don’t have a lot of friends that are in baby mode; in fact most of my friends don’t even want children. I guess you can say I have been oblivious to the wonder and joy a little baby can bring into your life. Of course Lord knows I have been trying to produce one so I can share in this experience. So getting to spend a few hours with a baby was GREAT! Not to mention even with little experience I have to say I am amazingly good with them. So I got to hold, feed, and even help change the little prince of the household. I really did not want to leave and I would have stayed forever except my DH was getting a little antsy (he is not much on babies, somehow their magic has no effect on him) and the little ones parents were starting to look exhausted (I can only imagine the level of exhaustion an infant can produce). So we said our goodbyes and back out we went into the world of babylessness. Then BOOM the magic was gone. I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling. Being around that little 10 lb bundle only made me realize like never before just how much I longed and ached for a baby of my own. It is such an indescribable heartbreaking desire that unless you have felt it there is no way to understand and no way for me to describe it. I know that one day I will have my very own pooping, peeing, eating machine to love but until then I will spend as much time with other people’s babies as I can. Because even thought it was heartbreaking leaving there is nothing better for the pain than the feeling of that little baby in your arms. Like they say, you have to take the good with the bad……..

Frat parties revisited......

Okay my new motto is "Distract. Distract. Distract." I have been trying not to think about things by keeping myself super busy. This has been translating into going to the movies at midnight, painting tiles, spending money on redecorating so that I can worry about money and not TTC, actually working at work, going to dinner with friends, have friends come down from out of town, well you get the picture. Really anything to keep me from being alone, or if I am alone to make me so freaking tired that I fall straight into bed instead of dwelling and sulking. So it has been working pretty well..... Yeah right you didn't really believe that did you? I was hoping that it was going to work but so far that has not been the case. It is like in college when you broke up with "the love of your life" or so you thought he was til you found out he was sleeping with your best friend in your dorm room. All of your friends decided that you should spend every waking minute doing something so you didn't think about him anymore. So they made you go to the mall or out to dinner or to get shitfaced at the newest (or easiest to get in underage) bar or frat party. Strangely enough class was not one of the many distractions they suggested.... anyway. It seemed to be working until in your drunken state at one of the endless frat parties (don't tell me they were not as popular at your school as they were at mine) you look across the smoke filled room and there was your ex sucking face with some random girl (or maybe even not so random girl) and POOF not working anymore. Well it has sorta been like that. I have really been trying, well without the frat parties, but every time I think it is getting better, POOF babyness all around me. So what do I do, curl up in a ball and stay there until.... well forever, or forge ahead and plow through the pain and grief. I would like to say that plowing ahead is the plan but really the ball sounds so much more appealing at the moment. Well at least it is the weekend and I can spend the next two days in the cloudy haze of paint fume heaven. Maybe I can curl up in a ball and roll over the pain and grief. I'll have to give that a go.....

hormones anyone?

So I have been doing pretty darn well at not losing it in public or really in front of anyone. Well that is until yesterday. I was sitting on the bus leaving work (we have to get shuttled to and from our cars since I work in a busy downtown area with no parking) and I realized that I should have been going into my second trimester yesterday. So needless to say I started crying right there on the bus sitting next to one of our maintenance men, boy was that fun. I did manage to make it to my car before the wailing, gut wrenching sobbing came on. I had a good cry and then went home and climbed into bed. I have been feeling very emotional the last few days. I am hoping that is a sign that I am ovulating and that my body is getting back to normal. Of course it could also be the less than 4 hours of sleep I got the night before last. I just had to go see the new Harry Potter on opening night even though I had to work the next day. Needless to say 3-4 hours of sleep along with hormones and work were not a good combo.

Then today I had a meeting with one of my bosses. She has been out of maternity leave (of course) and she did not know about my pregnancy/miscarriage. I was hoping not to have to tell her but when she said “I have been gone for 6 weeks, why haven’t you gotten more work done?” Well I had to cover my butt so I told her. Turns out she had a miscarriage at 12 weeks a few years back so she understood. Of course I couldn’t keep from crying when I told her. I really hate crying in front of people even though I have had a good amount of practice at it in the last few weeks! It was extra painful for me since she was just gushing about how cute her new son was.

I have always (well at least since we started trying to have a baby) used temping to track my ovulation. However this month I really am thinking about throwing my thermometer out of my bathroom window or flushing it down the toilet. I know that everyone’s body is different, but my temps since my miscarriage have been crazy and are driving me crazy! Unfortunately the thought of actually not taking my temp every morning is terrifying to me since I am a super control freak and not having that would, I fear, make me feel completely out of control. So I guess I will suffer in silence until the day Aunt Flo shows up. Then hopefully my temps will begin to regulate and I will be able to once again spend all my free time over analyzing my charts to see if perhaps this change in temp or this jump means that I am indeed pregnant again.

sex ed teachers lie!

My mind is being slowly overtaken by a force bigger than myself. It’s like that old anti drug commercial. Here is your brain (the normal egg), and here is your brain on drugs (in a frying pan). Except mine is here is your brain. Here is your brain on baby. Yep, my mind is being slowly taken over by a tumor like growth called “I want a baby, where is the baby that I am suppose to have, why did I have to lose my baby”. Or, as I like to call it, my normal brain, and my crazy brain. Let me tell you, crazy brain is winning at the moment. I can’t do anything without crazy jumping in and taking over my thoughts. Normal everyday things become a reminder from crazy that I’m not pregnant. She is driving me mad! Every day it seems crazies tiny little tentacles of baby get imbedded deeper in every aspect of my brain.

Day in the life of crazy:
Wake up: wow you didn’t get up at all to pee last night like you did when you were pregnant….
Breakfast: isn’t it nice to be able to drink coffee again….
Driving to work: A few months from now we would have had a nice long maternity leave……..
Lunch time: Isn’t it great to not throw up what you eat anymore……
Leaving work: Look at all the babies, they are so cute……. (did I mention I work a few floors above the children’s ward in our hospital)
At home: I just love the color you are repainting the baby uh I mean the “guest” room…….

It seems everywhere I turn it is being throw in my face. I know that when you want something it seems to be everywhere, but could I just catch a break now and then. I mean you turn on the tv an it seems the new thing in advertisement is to use pregnant women. I go to a store and all I see all around me is baby bumps. Every time I get on Facebook another of my ‘facebook friends” is announcing the good news. Even my email keeps sending me reminders about how far along I should be. Even though I sent them all the “discontinue my emails” email there is a new one every time I open my account. How do I make the madness stop? Get pregnant you say, well we are working on that but it is not as easy as they told you in sex ed class I can promise you that.

All i ask for....

This is all I want. Is it to much to ask?

and this,

and then this,

oh and soon please!

We may define therapy as a search for value

So today is a bittersweet day. It is the day that I was going to be 12 weeks in my pregnancy. The day I was going to announce the wonderful news to every stranger that I ran into. You know the thoughts that crept into your mind the moment you found out you were pregnant. That I can’t wait to be at the store (preferably Babies R Us since who hasn’t dreamed of going crazy shopping in there) buying something super cute to go in the babies room and being allowed to say “yeah this is for my baby, we are expecting in …….” I know I dreamed of that day, I mean I still do! So to dull the pain of this day I have been getting high……. On paint fumes that is. I am redecorating! That’s right, no better way to keep myself from thinking about “what was supposed to be” than to spend lots of money and time on changing the house instead of saving it for a crib and diapers . So I am painting my guest bathroom (tiles and all) and painting the guest room or as I like to refer to it when I feel like making myself sad “the room that was supposed to be the babies room”. It is the room that my sister was living in until last week. So now my DH and I have our house to ourselves, which is nice, but serves as a reminder that one of the reasons my sister moved out to begin with was that we were expecting. So change it is. Hopefully it will be done in the next century, or at least by the time we are pregnant again. See I can be optimistic. I will post pictures of my “therapy” as soon as it is completed. Well off to paint the buzz is wearing off…..

And I love you to the moon

So I figured I would bless you all with “A way that Selena thinks the world could be improved.” Here it is. I think that any women that has had to suffer through a miscarriage should, the next time she gets pregnant, be able to just jump in time up to when she lost her baby. So say I was to get pregnant again (soon please Lord) I could chose to jump to 9 weeks so that I didn’t have to go through 5 weeks of pure, sheer terror. I am sure any women that has ever lost a baby and gotten pregnant again suffers from “please lock me in a room and drug me until I am in a deep dreamless sleep and keep me that way until I reach X time so that I don’t have to think about ‘what if’.” I know this is going to be a terrifying time for me. Of course, because of what happened, I am scared to tell anyone (except for you my faithful readers, since I’m not so good at keeping my big mouth shut) so I will have suffer my fear in silence. I don’t think this is too much to ask of God seeing that he can move mountains and stuff. I mean what would it hurt him to do that, and think of all the suffering he could erase. Just a thought there Almighty One.

I think I may suffer from some slight form of masochism. It seems I like to spend (or waste) lots of time Goggling things to remind me about my miscarriage. My newest thing is looking up poems, songs, and blogs about losing a baby. If you are thinking about doing this here is a little advice; DON’T. Not unless you want to spend your entire day crying and reliving the “ripping my heart out of my chest and shoving it in a pot of boiling acid” pain from your own miscarriage. Sounds fun right? Well here is a little sample from the poems I found. Yep I saved them, see I can’t stop myself. Grab the tissues………
The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away
Today I saw you crying
I sent you lots of love
I hope that you can feel it
I'm here just up above

Today I jumped from cloud to cloud
And flew across the sky
And God told me all about you
And why you often cry

He told me that you were special
And your love for me is so deep
He told me that one day I'll meet you here
And in your arms I'll leap

I met a nice man the other day
He sat me on his knee
He told me that he knew you, Mom
And do you know what else he told me?

He told me all about you
About your pretty face
About your kindness, love and joy
About your sweet grace

I told that man I knew you
Cause we were once so close
I grew in your belly, Mommy
Just beneath your clothes

I told that man you talked to me
And prayed for me each night
And how I felt your love right there
And how you would hug me tight

No, you're not a stranger, Mom
Although we're now apart
It's really not that far, Mommy
I know I'm in your heart

I can't wait to see you, Mommy
God says you'll be here soon
Until then, I'm with you
And I love you to the moon

Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven

“It’s amazing how the World begins to change through the eyes of a cup of coffee!!” ~ Donna A Favors

Oh how true this quote is for me.

I love coffee, I mean the word love does not even do justice to the way I feel about coffee. Especially Starbucks coffee, I swear I think they put something in it, maybe crack? So before we started TTC I decided I was going to try and be “perfect” so that we had less of a chance of something going wrong once we got pregnant (we all know how that turned out).

So after reading the “Bible” of the fertility world “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Wechler, MPH, I immediately put down my crack pipe and decided that I was going to give up caffeine, alcohol, processed foods, Advil, and so on and so forth. Well giving up coffee was a challenge, and that is putting in mildly. I felt like an addict locked in a padded room only my room wasn’t padded. It sucked and I am sure that it sucked more for those around me. I had horrible headaches, I was exhausted, I was b*%#@y, I couldn’t sleep, I had trouble
concentrating at work, you get the picture. This lasted about a week and a half or so.

"Oh, that was not too long." you are thinking.

Well you try doing it. It seemed like f o r e v e r! So I did great on this plan to be “perfect” until I found out about the miscarriage. Okay maybe not right when I found out, since as you know I was not really functioning at that point. However a few days later, after my brain pulled itself from the deep dark place that it went for protection, one of my first thoughts was “Well at least I get have coffee again”. I know, a strange thing to think after everything, but you would have to understand just how much I love coffee.

So I have decided that I am not going to try and be “perfect” this time. I am not giving up coffee…. *Gasp* ….. Judge me all you want, but maybe not being “perfect” will make Judas decided not to betray me this time around. So I have my fingers crossed, and a warm, wonderful paper cup of coffee to my lips as a type this. From Starbucks of course….

Every one can master a grief but he (or she) that has it

I had my doc appt today. She said all the normal things I am sure they all say. It was nothing you did, it happens a lot, and I am sure you will get pregnant again soon.....blahblah. Then she did an exam (fun fun) and said "everything looks normal". I asked her about any testing and of course her answer was "No, we don't test until you have had at least 2 miscarriages", because of course we all want to go through this more than once right?!

She also told me the day of my D&C that they were going to send the "product of conception"(such a great medical term :( ) off to the lab for "testing". Great! Testing so maybe they can tell me what was wrong. Nope. "Testing" doesn't actually mean "testing" it means we are going to come back and tell you that what we sent off is............ a baby! WOW really, I thought that thing that was growing inside of me that had a heartbeat and everything was a tumor or something. Thanks for clearing that up. Whew eased my mind. SO, that was really annoying. However, the good news is that we can start trying again now! Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us.

On another note it seems that I am forging ahead through the Stages Of Grief (see mom I am using that good ole Psychology degree for something). I however seem to be stuck in the ANGER stage. Let me tell you this stage sucks a lot! I really don’t enjoy being angry all the time. It is like, I know that I shouldn’t be angry at every pregnant women I see or jealous of women with babies but I can’t stop myself. The horrible “green/red eyed monster” just takes over my brain. That is not to say that I am angry at my good friends that have just had babies, mainly it is a perfect strangers, which of course makes it perfectly okay… Right? Oh well, I am off to be angry at some more unknowing strangers. Wonder what the next fun stage is going to be……

The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention

Going through this miscarriage has taught me a lot of things. First off I want to say thank you so much to all of my friends and family that rallied around me in body, mind. and in spirit during this trying time. I know I did not say thank you personally to everyone but I want you to know how much your love and support meant to me.

Second it also showed me who my true friends are. I know that everyone says that when you are going though a crisis you learn a lot about people and this is so true! People that I have not communicated with in years sent me words of encouragement and prayers. Unfortunately though, some of the people that I thought were my friends didn’t. (and if you are reading this it probably doesn't apply to you since you cared enough to follow my blog) I know that some people just don’t know what to say to someone when they are going through something traumatic. I know that I have been guilty of this very same behavior. It is very hard to know the right thing to say to someone when they are suffering and you have never been there. I am so truly sorry to any of my friends who I have done this too. I now know how much comfort even the words I am sorry are to someone who is suffering. So to all those friends and/or family:

I AM SORRY. For forgetting you, or ignoring you in your time of need. Please forgive me!

Another thing I have learned is that it is really very helpful to talk about things (and write about them). It may make me cry and feel like I am dying on the inside but every time I do it makes it a little easier the next time.

I also realized that some people may say things that seem insensitive, and okay I will say it, even really stupid. However, they really do have to best intentions and it is best just to forget it and only remember that they were trying to say “I am really sorry for you loss” they just don’t know the “right” way to express it. For instance it is probably not a good idea to say the following things to someone who has just had a miscarriage:

“Don’t worry you can have another one” ~ Hey I don’t want another one I want the one I had…. and lost
“It was for the best” ~ Really?! who’s best?
“At least you know you can get pregnant that’s good” ~ Oh good I can get pregnant but can I stay pregnant?
“I guess there was something wrong” ~ with me of course
“You should just forget about it and move on” See STUPID!
“At least you weren’t further along” ~ That is suppose to make it better?

I am a Believer, but I have to say right after everything happened of course I blamed God for doing this to me. I think that is a normal reaction for anyone who has lost someone. So for me even the comments like “It was God’s will” or God needed your baby as an angel” or “God knew something was wrong so it is better this way” were not very helpful and actually made me blame him more. I mean he can move mountains and heal people. So if that is the case why couldn’t he give me a healthy baby, was I being punished for something I did. I am still struggling with this, and I think that as a Believer it is almost harder not to blame Him when we know the kinds of miracles he can do.

The thing that helped me the most was someone just being there to let me cry to them and talk to them about how I was feeling. It also really helped to hear from people who have gone through a miscarriage. Just hearing “I am sorry for your loss” or even “I can’t imagine what you are going through but I am here for you if you need me”.

So THANK YOU to all my friends who were there for me. I love you all.

In rememberance.

So here is the ring I got to remember my loss. I thought about getting a tattoo but then I remembered the horrible pain with the last (and only) one so I figured, why put myself through more pain. Plus who doesn't want an excuse to buy more jewelry. I figured I would take the picture of the ring with the ultrasound from my little angel who will always be remembered: RIP baby Stoney 9w 2d June 23, 2009.

Our strength grows out of our weaknesses

Since the worst 2 days of my life thus far are behind me every day seems to be getting a little easier to deal with. That is until something is thrown in my face to remind me that I am no longer pregnant. Like going to the mall and seeing all the pregnant women, or looking out my front window and seeing my neighbor with her 5 month old, or walking around at work (I work 4 floors above a Children’s Hospital, yeah I know) or in general just leaving the confines of my house where there are no pregnant women allowed. Of course, another way I like to torture myself is to go on the old chat rooms just to “see how everyone is doing” (yeah I know I said I wasn’t going to go on them but I can’t stop myself). Bad, Really Bad Idea. Could there be anything worse than reading about people who were exactly as far along as you were and they are luck enough to still have their babies. For some reason God or “Judas the Betrayer” decided that they should be allowed to keep their babies while I get to suffer through a miscarriage. So I really have to stop going on those. I have my D&C follow up appointment with my doc on Wed. morning. I am a little nervous about this, I am wondering how long she is going to say that we should wait to start trying again. Knowing myself the longer that I have to wait the worse it will be for me. Also along those lines the longer it takes me to get pregnant again the more stressed I will get. I am trying to deal with these feeling now but I’ll let you know when it actually turns from trying to succeeding. So here are some of the things I am nervous about:

  • That it was somehow my fault that I miscarried. Not something I did, but something that is wrong with my body, maybe a clotting disorder or low progesterone (thanks chat room searching). I am hoping I can convince my doc to run some tests even though this is my first miscarriage, we will see.
  • That she will tell me we should wait 3 months to try again. Please Lord let her say just 1 month, please.
  • That it will take my body forever to get back to normal, I think this one may actually be valid since I was on BCP for so long, and since my D&C (almost 2 weeks ago) good old “Judas the Betrayer” has decided to remind me everyday that I am not pregnant in the wonderful form of AF. Thanks a lot.
  • That once we do start trying again it will take us a while. I know that if I am not pregnant by the time my due date from the miscarriage rolls around someone will have to lock me up and drug me. Plus all the websites say that right after a miscarriage you are more fertile than normal, so if it takes to long I know I will feel like a failure.
  • Actually getting pregnant, not being pregnant, but the thoughts that will start running through my mind once I do see those two blessed lines. I think there is probably no fear greater for anyone that has suffered a miscarriage than the fear of having to go through it again.

I guess all I can do is pray that God will give me peace about everything that has happened. When we first started trying I was in church one Sunday and I decided to give over to God the entire process of getting pregnant and starting a family. I know deep in my heart that he let this happen this way for a reason, but that said it is REALLY hard to trust Him at the moment. I mean why would he want me to suffer this way? It just all seems so unfair.

Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Welcome to the world of 3%

Back to the worst day of my life thus far. So after the doc left the room my DH Carlton got me up and dressed. I think the doc said something about coming into her office when we were ready, but really who would be ready for anything after that news. I guess it had been a while because she came back in and led us to her office. I really don't remember much of what she said. I know she directed most of her talking/questions to Carlton, I am sure I didn't look like I could handle much more at that point. I do remember her saying to me "At least you know you can get pregnant that is the hardest part of having a baby." Unfortunately this is when I immediately starting blaming myself for whatever caused my baby to die. What did I do to make this happen? My next thought was why did God let this happen to me? It is just not fair! Look at all the crack whore's that get pregnant, and what about the people who don't care if everyone in the Walmart sees them beating and screaming at their children, how come they get to have babies and I am being responsible, doing everything right, and my baby dies before I even get to experience motherhood. When we leave the docs office I then have to call my family and tell them. I can tell you that I don't think there is another person on the face of the earth that was as excited as my mother was to become a grandmother. Telling her was so very very hard, not only because I know her heart was breaking for me and my pain but knowing how excited she was about her first grandchild I can't even put the pain into words, almost like I was disappointed in myself for letting her down. Carlton scheduled the D&C for the next day. On top of everything else I was pretty scared of the D&C. I haven't had any kind of surgery or even been in a hospital since I was 3 years old (well at least not as a patient seeing that I work in one every day). So I had C go get me something to knock me out so I would sleep all night. The combo of the drugs and the sheer exhaustion from crying all day did the trick and I don't remember anything from about 10 pm to the next morning around 9. We had to be at the hospital at 11 and not only did C come but my sister got off work, my mom drove in from out of town, and my sister in law all came to the hospital for support. At the hospital is when the finality of what was happening hit me. I was going to have my baby, the baby I had just learned was no longer living not 24 hours before, the baby I had been dreaming about and praying for since the day I saw those 2 blessed lines, cut and sucked out of my uterus. The place where it was suppose to be safe and nourished for 9 months had betrayed me. So I decided that I was going to blame my uterus for my baby dying. Much better than blaming my entire self or blaming God or anyone else. So from now on my uterus is going to be know was "Judas the Betrayer". I can't say I came up with this idea all on my own so I have to thank my dear friend J for that. I was take back to preop and had all the usual pre surgery stuff done, dressing in that stupid hospital gown, IV, leg compressors to stop blood clots, fluids, talking to the doctor, the prep nurses, the anesthesiologist, nurse anesthesiologist, surgery nurses, recovery nurses you name it I had to talk to them and answer the same questions over and over. They were all very nice but I was not really in the mood for nice. Plus I was crying the whole time sitting in the hospital bed with just that stupid gown on while everyone traipsed in and out. So the finally roll me into surgery they had given me something to "calm me". Calm is an understatement. It made me feel like nothing. That is really the only way to describe the feeling, I felt nothing. Not sad, not scared, not tired, not anything. Really very weird. The last thing I remember is the "oxygen mask" to help me breathe. Recovery, I woke up crying my eyes out, I guess I was hoping it was all a dream and the reality came CRASHING down on me, hard. I felt like I couldn't breathe and the only person there was the recovery nurse. I remember her asking me "was this your first pregnancy". All I wanted was someone that I knew to be there, so I pulled it together so they would take me back to my room. They did and all I could think was my baby is really gone, my baby is really gone. That day would be the second worst day of my life thus far.

first blog post ever!

Well I decided to start this blog to help me deal with all the things going on in my life. I have always found that writing things down tends to help me process and deal and after my miscarriage I started carrying a little notebook in my purse so I could write as things came to me but there are times when I can't read what I have written ( I know really sad). Geez I don't even know where to begin. I guess the short version will work, I got pregnant after only about 2 months of trying (even though my first cycle was 45 days long). I am a control freak so I was doing everything possible to make it happen asap! I know 2 months is nothing, but for anyone that has wanted to get pregnant even 2 days is such a long time so it seemed like forever to me. I found out a few days after my 30th birthday (which by the way was THE birthday, the one where when I turned 25 I said by THAT birthday I would already be married with a family). Oh please you know you have done the same thing. So I was SOOOO excited that 1. it didn't take that long (and if you have ever been on ANY chat room and talked to people that are TTC then you know the fear that runs through all TTCers minds about how long it will take, what could possible be wrong with me that I might never be able to conceive)
and 2. that i was so close to my previously mentioned life schedule. As I said I was super excited but also really nervous again I just attributed that to the aforementioned chat rooms where women, who in real life I am sure are completely normal, but when they enter the chat room realm with hundreds of other TTC women turn into a completely different being (i know i was defiantly one of those ladies). Every little thing turns into "could this (fill in your symptom) be a sign of pregnancy, miscarriage, life altering fertility problem. Just for fun you should go to one of these chat rooms if you have never been there and just read some of the titles, you don't even have to read the posts and you will see what I mean. I am in no way bashing these rooms or these women, heck I am one of them, but they do tend to make you a little bit crazy! We had our first ultrasound on June 15th and I was really nervous but everything went great we saw our little bean, strong heartbeat and all. So I then proceeded to tell EVERYONE since as all the books/websites tell you once you see that heartbeat you have a 2-3% chance of a miscarriage. Plus my doc said it was fine since all looked well. Then the next Sat. evening I had a little bit of spotting, which I also had the Sat. before my appt, I was concerned but this had happened before and everything was fine. Still I called the doc and they had me come in the following tue, just as a precaution. My DH came with me thank the LORD! The doc talked to us and then she dimmed the lights and started the vaginal ultrasound (let me tell you how fun that is). Right away I knew something was wrong, her face, she couldn't look at us, and she just keep repositioning the wand and taking measurements and I didn't see any flicker or movement. I was on SHOCK. Pure and simple I couldn't look away, or think, or feel, i just laid there. Even after she left the room which i really don't remember. My DH had to dress me I couldn't see through my tears. It was the most awful thing I have ever experienced and I don't think anyone could understand unless they have lost a child. Okay well now that I am crying yet again I think I am going to have to pick up this story next time.