Since the worst 2 days of my life thus far are behind me every day seems to be getting a little easier to deal with. That is until something is thrown in my face to remind me that I am no longer pregnant. Like going to the mall and seeing all the pregnant women, or looking out my front window and seeing my neighbor with her 5 month old, or walking around at work (I work 4 floors above a Children’s Hospital, yeah I know) or in general just leaving the confines of my house where there are no pregnant women allowed. Of course, another way I like to torture myself is to go on the old chat rooms just to “see how everyone is doing” (yeah I know I said I wasn’t going to go on them but I can’t stop myself). Bad, Really Bad Idea. Could there be anything worse than reading about people who were exactly as far along as you were and they are luck enough to still have their babies. For some reason God or “Judas the Betrayer” decided that they should be allowed to keep their babies while I get to suffer through a miscarriage. So I really have to stop going on those. I have my D&C follow up appointment with my doc on Wed. morning. I am a little nervous about this, I am wondering how long she is going to say that we should wait to start trying again. Knowing myself the longer that I have to wait the worse it will be for me. Also along those lines the longer it takes me to get pregnant again the more stressed I will get. I am trying to deal with these feeling now but I’ll let you know when it actually turns from trying to succeeding. So here are some of the things I am nervous about:
- That it was somehow my fault that I miscarried. Not something I did, but something that is wrong with my body, maybe a clotting disorder or low progesterone (thanks chat room searching). I am hoping I can convince my doc to run some tests even though this is my first miscarriage, we will see.
- That she will tell me we should wait 3 months to try again. Please Lord let her say just 1 month, please.
- That it will take my body forever to get back to normal, I think this one may actually be valid since I was on BCP for so long, and since my D&C (almost 2 weeks ago) good old “Judas the Betrayer” has decided to remind me everyday that I am not pregnant in the wonderful form of AF. Thanks a lot.
- That once we do start trying again it will take us a while. I know that if I am not pregnant by the time my due date from the miscarriage rolls around someone will have to lock me up and drug me. Plus all the websites say that right after a miscarriage you are more fertile than normal, so if it takes to long I know I will feel like a failure.
- Actually getting pregnant, not being pregnant, but the thoughts that will start running through my mind once I do see those two blessed lines. I think there is probably no fear greater for anyone that has suffered a miscarriage than the fear of having to go through it again.
I guess all I can do is pray that God will give me peace about everything that has happened. When we first started trying I was in church one Sunday and I decided to give over to God the entire process of getting pregnant and starting a family. I know deep in my heart that he let this happen this way for a reason, but that said it is REALLY hard to trust Him at the moment. I mean why would he want me to suffer this way? It just all seems so unfair.
Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson