Well I decided to start this blog to help me deal with all the things going on in my life. I have always found that writing things down tends to help me process and deal and after my miscarriage I started carrying a little notebook in my purse so I could write as things came to me but there are times when I can't read what I have written ( I know really sad). Geez I don't even know where to begin. I guess the short version will work, I got pregnant after only about 2 months of trying (even though my first cycle was 45 days long). I am a control freak so I was doing everything possible to make it happen asap! I know 2 months is nothing, but for anyone that has wanted to get pregnant even 2 days is such a long time so it seemed like forever to me. I found out a few days after my 30th birthday (which by the way was THE birthday, the one where when I turned 25 I said by THAT birthday I would already be married with a family). Oh please you know you have done the same thing. So I was SOOOO excited that 1. it didn't take that long (and if you have ever been on ANY chat room and talked to people that are TTC then you know the fear that runs through all TTCers minds about how long it will take, what could possible be wrong with me that I might never be able to conceive)
and 2. that i was so close to my previously mentioned life schedule. As I said I was super excited but also really nervous again I just attributed that to the aforementioned chat rooms where women, who in real life I am sure are completely normal, but when they enter the chat room realm with hundreds of other TTC women turn into a completely different being (i know i was defiantly one of those ladies). Every little thing turns into "could this (fill in your symptom) be a sign of pregnancy, miscarriage, life altering fertility problem. Just for fun you should go to one of these chat rooms if you have never been there and just read some of the titles, you don't even have to read the posts and you will see what I mean. I am in no way bashing these rooms or these women, heck I am one of them, but they do tend to make you a little bit crazy! We had our first ultrasound on June 15th and I was really nervous but everything went great we saw our little bean, strong heartbeat and all. So I then proceeded to tell EVERYONE since as all the books/websites tell you once you see that heartbeat you have a 2-3% chance of a miscarriage. Plus my doc said it was fine since all looked well. Then the next Sat. evening I had a little bit of spotting, which I also had the Sat. before my appt, I was concerned but this had happened before and everything was fine. Still I called the doc and they had me come in the following tue, just as a precaution. My DH came with me thank the LORD! The doc talked to us and then she dimmed the lights and started the vaginal ultrasound (let me tell you how fun that is). Right away I knew something was wrong, her face, she couldn't look at us, and she just keep repositioning the wand and taking measurements and I didn't see any flicker or movement. I was on SHOCK. Pure and simple I couldn't look away, or think, or feel, i just laid there. Even after she left the room which i really don't remember. My DH had to dress me I couldn't see through my tears. It was the most awful thing I have ever experienced and I don't think anyone could understand unless they have lost a child. Okay well now that I am crying yet again I think I am going to have to pick up this story next time.